Transitioning to an Empty Nest? What to Know and How You Can Help Scientists Learn More
As children grow up and leave home to begin college or work, their parents face a transformation of their own.
Photo-Illustration: Martha Morales
The transition to college can feel both transformational and tumultuous. But while students are caught up in a whirlwind of classes, clubs and conversations with new friends, their parents are undergoing their own transition: from a bustling house with one or more children to an empty nest.
Lisa Neff and Marci Gleason, professors in the Department of Human Development and Family Sciences at The University of Texas at Austin, are embarking on a study of how this transition affects couples.
While research has shown the shift to becoming a new parent can be difficult for couples to navigate, less is known about parents’ experiences when their children leave the home.
That’s why the scientists are enrolling now for a study to examine what happens when families change in this way. To help highlight the project, the pair offered tips and insights for families entering empty-nest territory.
Lesson 1: Household change can bring opportunity.
Researchers understand that milestones in young adulthood like leaving the house can be good for everyone. An empty nest can give couples the freedom to spend more time nurturing their relationship.
However, it can offer opportunities for partners to get on each other’s nerves, too.
“What exactly is happening to couple’s relationships as the home gets quieter, and how can we better prepare couples for what that transition is going to look like?” Neff summarized as key questions of the study. “We want to be able to help couples in the future navigate this successfully and have a more pleasant experience as they’re going through this transition.”
Lesson 2: The empty nest stage often overlaps with other milestones.
Gleason said the relationships of older couples are particularly interesting, though this is often an overlooked time to study relationships. That’s true for many reasons, including that couples tend to be enmeshed in careers at this stage, facing elder care responsibilities and more.
“When people study couples in midlife or later life, a lot of the types of events they might be looking at are negative events. But the transition to an empty nest isn’t particularly a negative event,” Gleason said. “When we think about how it is that couples function and maintain long and happy relationships, those more positive or neutral events count, just as the really difficult and more upsetting ones matter, too.”
While divorce rates are generally decreasing in the United States, it’s becoming slightly more common in people over 55, leading to questions about what is changing in couples’ relationships during that period, Gleason said. Are parents perhaps feeling unmoored as they’re left to figure out how to fill the time they previously devoted to their kids? Conversely, if couples have developed strong communication skills and methods of setting expectations for each other, do they navigate this transition more smoothly?
“We’re interested in looking at how those skills can help couples during this time,” Neff said. “Are they able to understand their partner’s perspective? Are they able to talk about what life is going to look like after the kids leave the home and what they hope it will look like?”
Lesson 3: Make room for others’ feelings and preferences.
Given how differently each member of a couple may be feeling about a newly empty nest, Gleason said it is important to avoid projecting your own thoughts and feelings onto your partner.
“One way to know whether you’re really listening is whether you can repeat back what your partner is saying to you,” she said. “It can feel awkward or stilted when people put this into practice, but it can be helpful for people to have these deliberate conversations.”
Speaking to others going through similar experiences can also be helpful, she added.
“Seek out friends or family members who are going through the same thing,” Gleason said, “so that you have more than one support system, and you’re not entirely relying on your partner.”
Finally, if you yourself are the young adult who recently left home and began enjoying new, exciting experiences on your own, a little empathy and grace for your parents, who perhaps are feeling disconnected, might go a long way.
“It may be that your mom or dad texts you too often,” Gleason observed, “but they probably just really miss you.”
To Participate in the Study
UT researchers are currently recruiting couples whose child is in their senior year of high school. Interested participants can learn more on the study’s website or by contacting the researchers at emptynest@utexas.edu or (512) 475-7527.
